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08 February 2012

Let's Talk About Sex (Selection)

RushDo you know to have sex when you want to conceive a girl and when for a boy? When you ovulate and for how long? Which rules are scientific fact and which fiction? No? I didn't either until I met up with a good friend of mine last week.

She needed a good rant over a bottle of Pinot Grigio or two and I was happy to oblige.
I am nothing if not generous and will always sacrifice a work day for friends in need!

My friend and her husband are desperate for a baby boy and, after having four girls, this is their very last chance. She appears to have been taken over by a hormonally-deranged efficiency (I will temporarily forgive this under the circumstances) and she is daily peeing on sticks, taking her temperature and charting the colour and consistency of her, erm discharge. Cue large slug of wine. She is obsessed and overwrought from the pressure of getting this right and it has taken over every aspect of her life. She is spending far less time eating, sleeping, playing with her kids and talking - about other subjects - with her husband as she should. This month (which is now referenced as “this cycle”) she actually had to manipulate her husband into very unsatisfactory, undignified angry sex due to ovulation falling, in an untimely manner, slap bang in the middle of a domestic argument caused by her hormonal behaviour. She even had to throw in new lingerie as a bribe! Something has to be done to stop this madness!

I mused over everything that she'd told me as I staggered graciously home and I decided that it was imperative for me to help my friend... So, I trawled the internet for the advice it gave on the subject, sifted out the old wives tales, of which there are plenty, and presented my findings to several gynecologists to verify what I will now present as...

Gertie's Simple Guide to Sex Selection:

First the facts. Women normally ovulate 14 days before the start of their next period which means about 14-16 days after their last period began, if they have a 30 day cycle. This is not an exact science and I would recommend getting some ovulation sticks. You can get them really cheaply on the Internet, just make sure they are made by a recommended brand. All you do is pee on a stick every day between days 12-19 to start with, until you learn more about your body then you can limit this to a couple of days either side your normal day. Make a note of which day you ovulate. It's usually on the same day every month and it lasts for about 24 hours.

If you don't want to fork out the money for ovulation sticks, you can learn how to read your body instead. There are normally signs when your body is preparing for ovulation. Your discharge will become thicker and a creamy whitish colour before the egg is released and when ovulation begins this discharge will become stringy and much clearer in colour. Also some women feel a sharp pain in their lower back when the egg is actually released.

The next bit you need to know: female and male sperms behave differently. The boys shoot off at serious speed when ejaculated but then they die off within 3 days, whereas the girls hang back and take it easy, knowing that the guys can't read maps anyway, and that they can live in the female body for up to 5 days. The egg can survive for up to 24 hours, so actually it's a bit easier to work out when's best to have a girl.

The rules:

  • If you want a girl you should have sex regularly after your period all the way up to 3 days before ovulation, then abstain.
  • If you want to have a baby boy, you shouldn't have sex until 2 days before and during ovulation.
  • You do not have to hang out in gravity defying sexual positions OR keep your legs elevated for an hour afterwards. All this bogus information has been fed to us by men.

This guide comes with mental health warnings! Please balance it out with other things such as yoga, wine, friends and date nights.

Also - Sex selection is not an exact science unless you want to pay 40,000 dollars for it. So please don't sue me if you get Mary instead of Gary!

Photo credit: Ko_An


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