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14 June 2012

Gertie's School Gate Saga

girls Adventures of a Middle-Aged Matron's article on school gate fashion was not only very chic and stylish but it was also honest and funny and it inspired this post.

As a prelude I have to talk about French women. They may not be the World's best dressed anymore and they do have an unhealthy relationship with burgundy lip liner (without lipstick filler) and hooker boots, but they are undoubtedly THE world's best at immaculate presentation. Never a hair out of chignoned-to-death place, sky-high heals at all times of day and skin-tight clothing is all part of the non-negotiable uniform. Can you imagine? Bad hair and fat days have been banned here! This is a 'no fly zone' for Uggs and sweat pants.

I, on the other hand, often have bad hair and fat days are common place. On these days I dress in whatever's on my bedroom floor (I like to call this look shabby chic but bag lady/Helena Bonham Carter is more to the mark) and I rock the school gates like this... Not a matching accessory in sight! Although in my defence, ALWAYS designer shades... To hide my non-made up face!

I've never really cared about what others think of my appearance and I was more than a bit shocked by the constant looks of disgust and disdain from the army of well turned out French mums. It made me feel self conscious and inadequate for a short while, but then I realised - French women have it tough! It must be exhausting for them to constantly look pristine, work two jobs, keep a lovely home and bring up well balanced kids all while trying to keep their husbands from schtupping his secretary! Yes, I know I'm generalising, but stereotypes are there for a reason aren't they?!

All over the globe, school gates are dangerous, competitive and downright bitchy places to be, especially for those less pristine or self confident. Friends have related numerous horror stories of their experiences while waiting to pick up their children and you've got to wonder why the heck women can't just be nicer to each other. As that is never going to happen, here is Gertie's Survival Guide to School Gate Girls...

  1. Walk tall. Exude confidence with your body language. Head up, back straight, tummy in, boobs out... Don't show fear, it's like blood to piranhas!

  2. Build Support Networks. Quickly assess who the nice mums are and befriend them. Avoid all contact with super bitches!

  3. Be VERY Busy & Important. If alone with super bitches or worse, under assault excuse yourself to make a business call that just won't wait or receive an email that needs your urgent attention.

  4. Fun apps. Ignore the sniping altogether and play Angry Birds or download the FatFace app and turn your foe into a pie-eating contest winner.

  5. Know yourself. Recognize that you are the normal one here. Real women are allowed to dress casually and feel comfortable, to look like shit and to think that their tired feet deserve some time in sheepskin! We can also dress up, make ourselves up, look and feel sexy and spend time matching our accessories but for me anyway, not at 7am after spending the night calming screaming infants - that's just crazy behaviour!

Stay strong mums of the World! You can do it... Face the bitches down and never forget how cool and awesome you are... Even in your Uggs!


Love this post! Sooo true about the French mums :)

Yes, at least you don't have to go through that anymore!!

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