Crazy Mama

After a bit of a hiatus languishing in a heady state of depression, I am now at least conscious enough to string a sentence together and motivated enough to sit up at an angle conducive to typing. Hello there! I apologise for my absence, I will make efforts to keep up with my blog for my lovely readers and my own sanity.

Enough of my cloud of depression, I will elaborate on that another day, for now I would like to talk about fertility.

Gertie's School Gate Saga

Adventures of a Middle-Aged Matron's article on school gate fashion was not only very chic and stylish but it was also honest and funny and it inspired this post.

As a prelude I have to talk about French women. They may not be the World's best dressed anymore and they do have an unhealthy relationship with burgundy lip liner (without lipstick filler) and hooker boots, but they are undoubtedly THE world's best at immaculate presentation. Never a hair out of chignoned-to-death place, sky-high heals at all times of day and skin-tight clothing is all part of the non-negotiable uniform. Can you imagine? Bad hair and fat days have been banned here! This is a 'no fly zone' for Uggs and sweat pants.

I, on the other hand, often have bad hair and fat days are common place. On these days I dress in whatever's on my bedroom floor (I like to call this look shabby chic but bag lady/Helena Bonham Carter is more to the mark) and I rock the school gates like this... Not a matching accessory in sight! Although in my defence, ALWAYS designer shades... To hide my non-made up face!

I've never really cared about what others think of my appearance and I was more than a bit shocked by the constant looks of disgust and disdain from the army of well turned out French mums. It made me feel self conscious and inadequate for a short while, but then I realised - French women have it tough! It must be exhausting for them to constantly look pristine, work two jobs, keep a lovely home and bring up well balanced kids all while trying to keep their husbands from schtupping his secretary! Yes, I know I'm generalising, but stereotypes are there for a reason aren't they?!

All over the globe, school gates are dangerous, competitive and downright bitchy places to be, especially for those less pristine or self confident. Friends have related numerous horror stories of their experiences while waiting to pick up their children and you've got to wonder why the heck women can't just be nicer to each other. As that is never going to happen, here is Gertie's Survival Guide to School Gate Girls...

1. Walk tall. Exude confidence with your body language. Head up, back straight, tummy in, boobs out... Don't show fear, it's like blood to piranhas!


2. Build Support Networks. Quickly assess who the nice mums are and befriend them. Avoid all contact with super bitches!


3. Be VERY Busy & Important. If alone with super bitches or worse, under assault excuse yourself to make a business call that just won't wait or receive an email that needs your urgent attention.


4. Fun apps. Ignore the sniping altogether and play Angry Birds or download the FatFace app and turn your foe into a pie-eating contest winner.


5. Know yourself. Recognize that you are the normal one here. Real women are allowed to dress casually and feel comfortable, to look like shit and to think that their tired feet deserve some time in sheepskin! We can also dress up, make ourselves up, look and feel sexy and spend time matching our accessories but for me anyway, not at 7am after spending the night calming screaming infants - that's just crazy behaviour!

Stay strong mums of the World! You can do it... Face the bitches down and never forget how cool and awesome you are... Even in your Uggs!

Good Mood Food

I am a firm believer in the theory that we are what we eat and that food can nourish not just our bodies but our emotional well being as well. Different foods have different effects on us and they have the ability to change our internal chemical balance, improve sleep, concentration and libido. Pretty cool really, if you know which foods do what and why.

Gertie’s Gentle Guide to Controlling Stress

Ah, the wonders of the modern age! Think of all the marvelous inventions over the past 100 years that have made our everyday lives so much easier. There’s the car, the washing machine, the Hoover, the dishwasher, the telephone and the iPad. I mean, imagine if we actually had to walk, scrub clothes in a tub, sweep, hand-write letters AND there was no method in which to immediately communicate to all of our friends which of the mundane tasks we had recently completed and whether our friends in turn ’Liked’ it or not.

Beating those January Blues

Oh January... THE most depressing month of the year. The month you realise just how much debt you racked up at Christmas, how many mince pies passed your lips and stuck to your thighs and exactly how difficult it is to pass an evening without a glass of red wine to calm your paranoid booze blues.